Happy One Week Anak!

Yesterday  marked your first week in the world outside my womb baby. How is the world outside? My feelings for you have changed so much in a week. My feelings for your father has changed so much in a week. I can no longer get my heads around the love I feel for you and your father.

Your Papa loves you so much, taking care of you, holding you, bathing you, dressing you, feeding you especially in times that I was still too weak or too scared to hold you. You are so small baby. Mama says that I was just as small as you, so one day, when you are as big as I am now, I hope that you will get to read this and feel the love that I am trying to describe that I especially your Papa have for you.

I still feel sore in places that I should feel sore in. Your Papa and I are tired especially your papa who looks after you and me...balancing the two of us perfectly and making his needs last. It brings tears to my eyes everytime I see how lucky we both are to have him. Your Papa washes you, cleans your poop, holds you when mama can't because you are so fragile little girl.

For one week, you already have brought so much love to both of us while all you do is eat and sleep, eat and poop, sleep and pee... one day anak, when you read this... and you feel that we do not love you enough, read this and believe that we love you so much..because we do. You are our little gem, our happiness, the string that will bond Ken and I forever.

Happy one week Ira! More happiness to come baby girl!

Realizations

I've realized that pregnancy, more than it being very physically demanding is a very emotional experience. One minute you are happy, the next minute you are close to tears or overly worried. I've realized this makes you either believe in the power of Science or the power of God or both, which was the case for me. Pregnancy made me call out to God and for all the Divine interventions I believed in. I've realized that what they say is true, it is a passage to a more responsible you... as you wait for your child to come out.

I've realized that I have a new found respect for mothers especially those that went through vaginal births, it is NOT easy. And as people has told me, it will all be worth it.. which is what I am feeling now. All the pain, the sweat and tears, and medical people over you, exposure of private parts will all vanish as soon as you see your baby. 

I've realized that I am very lucky to have Ken as a partner. He is an overly protective dad to Ira, quick to come to her when she stirs or makes a sound. Seeing how he is around our little baby girls makes me emotional at times, the love he has overwhelms me. It made me realize that Ira and I will be loss without him.

I've realized that I am falling more in love with Ira each day. I  build dreams each day. I fear for the loss of dreams that I have build every minute and because of this is very careful of the fragility of it.

I've realized that despite the pains and aches that I am feeling right now, I am happy.

Despite the fears and uncertainty for my little girl, I am certain and secure.

Despite all the negative thoughts, I remain positive. I should remain positive.

September 21 is the day that marks my life - the date when my little girl came out. The date when Ken and I became parents. The date when all these realizations have set in.

All these realizations will never be forgotten.

Coming Soon

I feel that she is coming soon. I feel so much heavier. I feel that it is more difficult to walk. I feel sometimes when I stand up, there is something in between my legs. I feel excited, I feel anxious.. I feel so many other emotions, knowing that my daughter will come out and see the world very soon.

For the past 3 weeks, we have been visiting one mall after another, to buy things we still need and really, just to walk around. They say that walking will help with a normal delivery and so I did. For this weekend, I have decided to stay put, just stay at home and have less of physical exertion as I feel that if I have some more of it, Ira may come out sooner that expected. I can not let this happen just yet since I think I really still need 1 more week at work, to wrap up interviews and close out the mid year discussions among many other things.

We have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, and then we will know if I am dilated or not. I hope to really have a normal delivery, not only because of the differences in costs but also convenience. I had an operation last year and I rather not go through the helpless days any longer a few days after the operation. I am pretty sure the feeling will be the same if I deliver via CS. Oh well, I guess, we will go with what is best. I have been praying for help for the success of a normal childbirth but if it doesn't work, so be it.

A friend sent me a text message asking if I am ready, that question I guess will forever be one of the most difficult introspective question to answer. So am I ready? I said no, not yet. She said knowing me.. I am ready to be a mother. Is someone ever ready for motherhood? Right now I say I am not, as I do not trust myself yet, this is a territory still unknown, so I do not know my capacity. Am I looking forward to it?? Absolutely! Despite the many changes that I know it will bring, I know that all of it will make life more meaningful with the baby on the ride with us. Looking forward to what is coming soon!!

Pain in the Ass..literally

A few weeks from now, I am expected to deliver my first child.. Andreana Ira.  I have mixed emotions - happiness, elation, the i-am-not-ready-yet-theres-so-many-things-to-do-still, and of course the..I-am-scared-our money-is-not-enough anxiety because of the possibility of medical expenses piling up. One thing is certain for sure, I can't wait for pregnancy to end, not only because I am excited to finally see our baby but because of the physical restrictions I am feeling right now.


I did not know that pregnancy will be this difficult, it's literally a pain in the ass! I can't sit too long nor can't stand too long... as it hurts my butt! I am so hungry but can not eat much and I can not wait for the dexterity issues I have in my hands get better! Oh well and the acid reflux..a killer. They say...it is all worth it...I believe them who say it.


The 3d picture alone make me want to talk to her, the little me that I have been carrying in my womb for the past 8 months. The movements, all the kicking and squirming and waves I feel within me make me want to hold her hand and play with her.. and makes me wonder what's running in her mind.
Lastly, I can not wait to see Ken shower our daughter with love. Every time he will talk to our baby in my womb, I feel warm tears welling....I have to hold it back. Everything that he does, to make pregnancy easier for me, also make me emotional. When I get up at the wee hours of the morning to empty my bladder.. he wakes up and makes sure that I do it safely. He holds my hand when we walk to make sure that every step I take is safe for both the baby and I. The water that I drink, he ensures is clean. When I lie in bed to sleep, Ken ensures that I am all tucked, tummy and feet covered, so I won't feel cold. When he massages my hand and feet so blood will circulate when I extend it to him. His effort to cook even if he doesn't know how to, so I get proper nutrition. He wipes the sweat off my back and puts baby powder on it making me feel like a little girl. He does this because he things sweat that has dried out will make me sick. Everything! I want to document everything here so Ira will see the love that I felt from her dad while I was pregnant with her and capture it for all eternity.


Sure, I say that pregnancy is a pain in the ass.. physically only. I am lucky that I have a partner who shares it with me and makes it easy.